Secrets
by Hawkeyeisbae
Summary: Everyone has secrets, Clint knows that. He respects it. What he doesn't respect is when that secret is that someone is supposed to be dead but isn't. It happens more often than you'd think. And itt causes him to get a little upset. After a year, Clint (accidentally) finds out that Coulson is still alive. He should be happy yet he's not at least not exactly.
1. Chapter 1

"I was just talking to Nat the other day about how little appreciation the IT department at SHIELD gets." Clint compliments the Agent trying to get him to do something for him. He is at the HUB something he rarely does, a fact that has only increased due to SHIELD not existing for awhile. He's so distracted by the conversation that he runs right into another agent. "Sorr..." He trails off his has going slack when he sees the man he nearly knocked over. The other man also recognizes him and stops moving forward.

"Nice to see you Agent Coulson." Clint deadpans. "Kind of surprising though seems how you're supposed to he dead and all."

"You're Agent Barton." A girl squeals from behind Coulson. "My name is Skye by the way. I'm a huge fan."

"Clint... I can explain." Phil says motioning toward a nearby conference room door. "Just give me a chance."

"That's the same thing Tasha asked me to do a few weeks ago." Clint barks a brief humorless chuckle. "Trouble is, you know me, I hate chit chat." Clint pushes past Coulson jogging to catch up with his original conversation partner. They go inside the man's office where Clint makes sure to seal the door behind him.

Clint comes out of the office hours later. He is 90 percent sure that Coulson will no longer be waiting for him outside. And he's almost right. Coulson isn't waiting for him, but the girl that was with him is.

"Hey, I'm sorry about my fangirling earlier."

"It's fine." He says gruffly pushing past her.

"Look I need to talk to you… it's about Coulson."

Clint stops in his tracks. "Did he send you?"

"No, I, uh came on my own. He thinks that I'm waiting on some lab results for him, which I was, but that was done hours ago… sorry I tend to ramble when I get nervous."

"It's fine. But may I ask why you want to talk to me if Coulson didn't send you?"

"You mean a lot to him."

Barton licks the front of his teeth. "He told you that did he? Cause if he did, you should learn pretty damn quick not to believe a word out of his mouth. I assume you work with him. He your SO or something?"

"Or something, I guess. I work in a specialized team he's in charge of… it's not important really what I do with him. What is important is that you need to listen to me. Coulson cares for you."

"Yeah, well I've learned that if what you say is true, I'm not much better off than if he was dead."

"You have got to be the pain in the ass stray he always talks about bringing home. You're impossible to talk to. Look, just come with me. All I want is for you to give him a chance to explain himself. You're passing judgement before you even know the story. Hear him out, if you don't like it, then you can pass all the judgement you want."

"You're not going to leave me alone, are you kid?" Barton sighs running his hand through his hair. "Alright I'll come with you. But the minute I don't like what I hear, I'm leaving. Do you understand?"

Skye squeals. "I can't believe I actually convinced you. Ward said I could never do it. Even Coulson said you wouldn't go for it…"

"Look kid." Clint cuts her off. "Either take me to Coulson or let me leave. It's nothing personal at this point, but I've had a long few months and I don't want to be at the HUB any longer than necessary. So I'm leaving one way or another."

"Right, right just follow me."


	2. Chapter 2

"He got himself a plane." Clint shakes his head as they walk up the cargo door. "Nice set up." he says motioning to the lab. He notices two very curious sets of eyes follow him as he follows the girl up the stairs.

"Agent Barton, what are you doing here?"

"Nice to see you too, Agent May." May doesn't return the greeting so Barton decides to explain himself, feeling as he's highly unwelcome. "Skye asked me to come and pay Coulson a visit. She was quite persuasive and assured me, I was authorized to do so. If I'm not welcome, I can always leave."

"You should." A gentleman that Barton vaguely recognises says as he enters the room. "Skye had no authorization to invite you here."

"Don't listen to Ward, Clint." Coulson says coming out of his office, attracted by the commotion. "You're always welcome."

"That your office?" Clint asks motioning to the door Coulson had walked through. Coulson steps aside and Barton pushes past. Coulson follows latching the door behind him.

When Coulson turns around Barton is looking at his collections.

"You must live off this plane, to have all your stuff here. You a specialist now?"

"In a way. I have a specialized team, if that makes me one too, then so be it."

Clint nods biting his tongue.

"Where's Natasha, after all that happened I'm surprised she's not glued to your side."

"She works with Steve now. I don't see much of her."

"You don't see much of anyone do you?" Phil guesses. He's known Barton for years and he can tell when the man is in any kind of pain. After all it used to be his job to know Barton better than anyone else.

"Yeah, I don't." He admits taking up a seat in Coulson's chair. He puts his feet up on Coulson's desk.

"By choice?"

"Do you know what it's like to suddenly wake up one day and realize your whole life is a lie?" Phil doesn't answer so Clint continues. "After the battle of New York, after Loki made me do all those horrible things I wasn't in a good place. Nat noticed and brought it to Fury's attention. I know why she did it, you know how I can get. She was scared, I wouldn't bounce back. I guess I was kind of scared too. Everything was just so much, more than it ever had been before. I needed to talk to you so bad, but I couldn't. I don't know why they thought of it, but next thing I know, I have a wife and kids. They had messed with my memories, and my feelings. They had changed my reality so that I believed the kids were mine, and that Kate in disguise was my wife. They changed my mind. They did the one thing I was terrified someone would do again, to me. And I didn't even know, Phil. I had no idea for months. Sure, it helped me bounce back. It was as if the depression had never happened, because to me it hadn't. I wasn't me. And I could tell that, deep down I could tell that things weren't right. I guess that's why I had the dreams, that eventually turned into nightmares. I know now that they were memories that SHIELD had tried to erase. You see they didn't just change my maritial status, they took away things that had haunted me for years. Only they weren't gone, not completely. When I woke up I could always tell that something was off, that the nightmares weren't just nightmares. They felt too real. I tried to talk to it with Laura, who was actually Kate, but she just blew me off. Which made me even more confused. I decided to let everything slide though, I didn't think it was good for the kids for me to always be lost in thought. I passed everything off, as side effects from Loki's attack on my mind. Then one day, I woke up and just knew. I knew what they had done. What they had taken from me. I knew my whole reality wasn't my own."

"Clint…." Coulson doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to explain that he knows exactly what the kid has gone through.

Clint looks up at him through his hands, confusion and tears a jumble on his face. "And now, you're not dead either. The one thing I thought was fact, the thing Stark swore to me on his life was true, isn't. I'm glad you're alive, it's just, nothing makes sense."

Clint's pain gives Coulson the strength to put his own situation into words. He's never actually said the words aloud, there has been no need, nor has he been able too. But he knows Clint won't read or believe a file. His words, however, will ring true. "Clint, I was dead. I think for almost a month. I don't remember it. What I do remember is when I woke up. SHIELD brought me back to life, even though I begged them to let me die. It was painful, dreadfully painful, what they put me through. I had no will to live after they did it. So they did to me what they did to you, changed my memories, buried the real ones so deep that I couldn't remember. I wanted to tell you, and Sarah, you remember the cellist, so bad. But SHIELD had already told you I was dead. I didn't want this, this pain and confusion to happen. You weren't supposed to be at the HUB today. I've been careful to never be someplace you're assigned to be. Clint, I want you to know. I stayed away to protect you. I knew you wouldn't take it well, that it would shatter your world if suddenly I was alive. I didn't want to do that to you, kid. Believe me, I kept it a secret to protect you. "

"I know, but that doesn't change the fact that I know now. All the good intentions in the world, can't change that. Just like all the right intentions can't fix how messed up I am." Clint shakes his head and slowly stands up. "I should really get going. We might not be speaking, but Tasha will get worried if I don't show up at our meeting point in a few hours."

"I wish you could leave, since that's what you want, but you can't. Malinda has already taken the Bus off the ground, we won't land for a few hours. I'll make sure word gets to Natasha that you won't be meeting her today."

"You couldn't have let me get off the plane before you left?" Clint huffs in annoyance. Phil has to fight to keep a smile off his face, glad some of the Clint he remembers is still under all the layers of emotional scars.

"Skye waiting for you, put us under a bit of a time crunch. May made a judgement call. We've been called in for something and they need us fast. When we land you can stick around, you might be able to make yourself useful on this one."

"You do realize that I don't work for you anymore, right? I can have you written up for changing my assignment without consent, or the proper approval.

"You can, and by all means if you would like to you can. But you and I both know you won't. Must be boring, taking the same kind of assignment over and over again. I know you're dying for a meaningful operation. But, if you decide not to stay, the minute we land I give you permission to take Lola wherever your heart desires as long as you make sure she gets back to me when you're done with her."

"You know I hate to drive."

"Yes, but Lola flies too."

"I'll stay on for now, but if I don't like the assignment I'm leaving. No protests."

"Fine."

"I have one more condition."

"What is it?"

"I get to fly the Bus."

Coulson chuckles. "Fine by me, but you'll have to take that up with Agent May."


	3. Chapter 3

"Are my eye deceiving me, or was that really Agent Clint Barton who followed you onto this plane, Skye?" Simmons gushes as she walks into the common area, Fittz quickly behind on her heels.

"You know about him?" Skye asks confused why Simmons is fangirling over a operations agent, instead of her usual sciencey types.

"Everyone is SHIELD knows about Agent Barton. I mean, the man is a marvel. The say he can't miss with a bow."

"He's a living scientific improbability." Fittz chimes in.

"I heard he practices with the bow for hours in a day. OMG, Skye do you think he's working with us?"

"As far as I know, he's just here to visit with Coulson." Skye says still a bit starstruck herself.

"Did you know, Coulson was once his handler." Fittz recites.

"Did you know, that Coulson was the one who recruited Agent Barton to SHIELD, against direct orders from the council itself."

"I actually did." Both Fittz and Simmons are temporarily taken off guard by Skye's answer. "He's an Avenger, who wouldn't want to know more about him. I read his file." She shrugs and the other two share looks of understanding.

"I hate to break up the Agent Barton fan club meeting, but would you three please focus on the fact that Coulson might be bringing a wild card onto this team."

"Agent Barton is not a wild card." Simmons scoffs.

"On the contrary, he's one of SHIELD's most dedicated agents."

"Who has murdered hundreds of operatives."

"While being controlled by Loki." Fittz says defensively.

"He's an assassin." Ward stresses. "He's killed others under free will.

"You're such a negative nelly." Fittz says before turning back to Skye. "So where is Agent Barton?"

"He and Coulson went into Coulson's office." Skye answers. "Agent Barton seemed to have some beef with Phil, so they're hashing it out. Might take a while, Barton was really not happy when he came here."

"Not surprising." Fittz says. "Agent Coulson was not only the man who saved Barton from himself by bringing him into SHIELD but he was also Barton's handler for years. Agents who knew the two while they worked together say that they were incredibly close. Must be hard for him, finding out that Coulson never really died."

"If you want to gossip." May says walking into the room from the cockpit. "At least get all your facts straight. You're right that Barton and Coulson were close, think of a father son relationship. But they started falling at odds ages before Loki, Barton, for lack of better wording, has always been difficult. Coulson started calling their arguments the rebellious teenage years. He and Barton stopped seeing eye to eye on somethings. But they still worked together, Barton is one of the best. Don't ever tell him that, but he is. But so is Coulson, that's how Barton got to be the man he is today. Coulson made Barton, but Coulson, at one point was also responsible for tearing Barton apart." Agent May answers.

"That wasn't exactly what I sensed. Barton wasn't angry, or resentful. He was sad, he felt pain so deep that he couldn't stop feeling it."

"Agent Barton has had a hard life. Harder than most, ever have to even dream of having. Don't ever mention this around him, but he's a mess. Always has been, probably is more of one than ever. He needs Coulson to help clean himself back up off of the ground."

"Mess or not, I hope he stays to help us on our next assignment." Simmons is lost is a daydream.

"Why are you two so excited to see him in action, I mean I understand, he's Hawkeye. But you two are over the moon."

"You must have not read all of his file, if you're confused. Agents Barton and Romanoff are living legends, Skye. It's ever agent's dream to work with them."

"It's not mine." Ward chimes in. "Now, is anyone going to address the fact that Skye brought a dangerous operative onto this plane with absolutely no authorization."

May glares at Ward. "The last thing Agent Barton is, is dangerous. I understand you have your difference with him, Ward, but there is no need to spout lies about him."

"He killed hundreds of operatives in a month, mind control or not, I say that's dangerous. And if what you say is true and he's unstable emotionally, then I really don't want him working with me."

"Agent Barton, regrettably, attacked those agents while under alien mind control. You know that. And as for his emotional state, Coulson will take care of that. I have full confidence, Ward, that Barton is no more a threat to anyone on this plane then I am. I want you to say nothing more on the subject."

"What do you think they're talking about?" Skye interrupts the two senior agents before Ward can reply.

"It's none of our business." May barks, taking a seat on the couch to make sure that no one attempts to spy. Her efforts however are moot for at that moment Coulson's office door opens.

"You guys better not be having a party out here without us." Coulson teases. "You don't want to miss Agent Barton's robot impression." Clint smirks, but offers to do no such thing. Ignoring the others he turns to May.

"Seems as Coulson won't let me off this place until we land, you mind if I drive. I haven't had the privilege to drive anything bigger than a Quinjet in a long time, and I miss it."

"Would saying no stop you?" May asks raising an eyebrow.

"Not at all, I was just trying to be polite."

"It's all yours, I trust you remember your way around."

"It may be a while since I've been here, but it takes a lot to forget a control room like that. I think I'll be fine. Afterall I did live on this plane for a year."

"How did he live on this plane?" Ward asks once Barton has sealed himself into the cockpit. "I thought this was new."

"I said refurbished." Coulson corrects. "Agent Barton crash landed this aircraft about ten years back. Took ages for SHIELD to find us, eventually they came back for the plane. Took even longer for them to put it back into working order, but eventually everything came into place as it should be."

"He's crashed this exact plane before and nobody sees a problem with letting him drive?." Ward stutters in disbelief.

"Not at all, and if you do, you can take it up with me in private at a later date."

"Why did you have me take the plane off the ground?" Agent May questions, looking from Coulson to the door Barton had just closed.

"The kid has had a couple of rough months. I figured some good old fashioned reckless fun as he would put it, can do him some good. Maybe it will set him down the right track again."


End file.
